And now time for the next part of "About loneliness and friendship" ... I can't leave my boys in this mess any longer .... or maybe I can? Sometimes I like to mess around ;)
Title: About loneliness and friendship (California 3)
Fandom: Casey / OMC / mention of Zeke
Rating: PG 13
Disclaimer: of course, not mine
A/N: Please, don't miss the other parts, it's one series which belongs together - at least you'll have to read California 1 / 2 first
Part one / Part two / Easterdinner 1 / Easterdinner 2 / California 1 / California 2
Casey paced worriedly up and down the room. He tried to understand what just had happened, but it was difficult to arrange his ideas. Finally he made a decision. He would go downstairs and check out if Sam was still waiting for them. Better this instead of staying here, hoping that Zeke would finally leave the bathroom.
Sam looked up when he entered the diner opposite their hotel.
"Hey," Casey murmured and sat down beside him.
"Sorry for being late. I ... Zeke ...! "
"No problem. Would you like to eat something? The pizza is really good!"
Casey shook the head. He felt queasy. Probably he would never ever be able to eat again.
"No pizza, thanks. A coke would be fine!"
"Okay. What's about Zeke? He won't come, right?"
"He's sorry about it, but he feels too tired!"
"Don't try to fool me! He doesn't like me, I know!"
"He is mad at all of this family. But he treated you unjustly!"
"Whatever! I just hope, you're not at odds because of me!"
Casey hesitated. Was it fair to talk with Sam about his problems with Zeke? But maybe it would help him to understand better. It was never easy to deal with Zeke, he could be so sullen and tight-lipped. And today he had totally freaked out. This frightened him a lot.
"I'm sure, it's not just about you, it's not just about your grandma and shit ..."
"Some things he said ... it's so fucking crazy. Sometimes he simply acts like a prick and you don't know why!"
Sam grinned slightly.
"Yeah, I know what you mean! The lonesome rebel, always cool and strong ... on the outside ... but nobody knows how he feels inside .... "
Casey looked at him amazed.
"How do you know? You don't even know him!"
"His Mom told me. She said, he has always been so, since he was a child - a loner, but a fighter - but sometimes he is fighting the wrong ones!"
"Did you know her well?"
"Mhm! She was my family. She was my best friend. She was the only one who understood me!"
"You've told her?"
"That you are gay. And she could cope with it? It's kinda difficult to talk about it, isn't it?"
"I'm sure, she would have been cool with it! But I'm not!"
"I'm not gay! Only me grandma acts as if I am. Since I've told her, that I will go to art-school next year. She says, art is only for girls and gays, not for real men. Zeke's mom, she always encouraged me. She took me into her arms and she said:`You're gonna make your way, hon! I'm sure!' "
"You loved her, didn't you?"
"Yeah. And I miss her. She was always there for me ... "
He paused for a moment, before he added softly:
" .... if she felt well enough. I visited her in the clinic - nearly every day. She liked it if I came visiting her. She often said, I somehow remind her of Zeke."
"She has told a lot about him!"
"She always spoke about him! She missed him!"
"Oh God! I don't know if you should tell him," murmured Casey.
"You think, he doesn't want to hear about her?"
"I'm sure, he would be glad to know, that she was not all alone! But ... he already torments himself enough! He believes that he abandoned her! He means, he should have been here, to help her! That it's only his fault, that she ... "
Sam shook the head.
"Oh no, it's not! Yes, she has longed after him - but she was glad that he wasn't here! She wanted him to have his own life, not to deal with all the compulsions of this family. She didn't want him to see her in her bad shape!"
"Was she seriously ill?"
Sam smiled sadly.
"Not all the time. At the beginning the drugs could help her. Mostly she felt good. We talked for hours, we laughed a lot. But suddenly it became worse. They had to sedate her with heavy drugs. And I wasn't allowed to visit her any longer. Only twice I went to see her later, but it was not the same as before ...
She hated it! If she had a good day, she knew exactly what would happen to her. She knew, she would never again leave the clinic and that it was merely a matter of time till she would forget all! The happy times in Ohio, with Sean ... he was Zeke's Dad ... and with Zeke! She would forget him! Her own son!
She didn't want this! She couldn't bear it! She rather wanted to be dead than continue living like that!"
"And then ..."
"Yeah, then... I wished, you would have got to know her. She would have liked you!"
"Yeah! She was so proud of Zeke, that he could stand on his own two feet, but she also has been worried. She has said: He is strong, but sometimes he stands in his own light. He can't get involved with other people because he's too afraid to lose them again. If someone gets too close to him, he pushes them away. But he needs someone by his side!.... You don't let him push you away, do you? You stick by him!"
Casey sighed slightly.
"Yes, if he lets me! I'm not sure at all if he still wants me as a friend. He was so mad about me today ..."
"He's not ... what?"
"Mad about you. If you ask me: he is jealous!"
"Jealous? But there is no reason for! I'm there for him whenever he needs me - and he should know this."
"Maybe this is not enough for him!"
"You sure that he don't like guys?"
Casey stared at him.
"That he ... you think, he is ..."
"Gay. Bi. Whatever. I think, he likes guys. He likes ..."
"Why do you say this? He could get laid with every bitch at school!"
"Maybe! But ... does he really want that?"
Casey's thoughts were racing, were torn between different sides, but none seemed to win. Up to now it never was a question that Zeke liked girls. He was the heartthrob at school and he flirted around every day. But however, had he ever had a real date with one of them? Sometimes there were rumors - girls, who told that he had invited them to dinner or to the theater - or that they'd spend the night with him. Zeke laughed at these rumors, but he never confirmed them.
"I've seen his eyes, Casey, when he looks at you! I've seen him gazing at me!"
"He gazes at you? ... You mean ... he kinda wants you?"
"Me? Definitely not! But he is ready to kick my butt into the next country if I don't keep my hands of you!"
Casey paled. He couldn't believe what Sam just implied.
"This cannot be!"
"Would it be so bad?" Sam asked.
"You like him, don't you? You like him a lot!"
"Yes, I do! I like him for ages now. But he was always out of reach. Sometimes I can hardly believe that he is my friend now. There can't be more! He .... he never said anything like this ..."
"Do you really expect that he's gonna do the first step?"
"Oh God! I've kissed him!"
Sam nodded smiling.
"Really, you did!"
"And he thinks, it was just because of you. That I wanted to impress you. No wonder that he is mad about me!"
"No wonder, that he is mad about me! Well, why have you done it?"
"I don't know! He was so fucking angry. And your grandma ... she was so nasty, to him ... and to you. I just wanted to stop all this ... but maybe ...."
He stopped mid-sentence. Sam looked at him curious.
"Maybe all this was just a good excuse to kiss him ... I don't know. I can't think clearly anymore."
"Do you want him, Casey?"
"Yeah, I do. But first of all I don't want to lose him, at least not as a friend."
"So, what are you waiting for? If you want him, then you'll have to do something! Do it now! Leaving it 'til later won't make it easier!"