Title: About loneliness and friendship (Part 2)
Fandom: Casey / Zeke
Warning: mention of death
Disclaimer: of course, not mine
" I ... I'm sorry! You ... you don't have to tell me if you don't want! But ... "
Casey hesitated for a moment, but finally he decided to dare it.
" ... sometimes it can help to talk about all shit!"
Zeke dropped back onto the couch.
"Talking? Casey, my Mom is dead! She committed suicide one week ago! And it's my - fucking - fault!!"
... End of Part one ...
Casey stiffened in every movement. Zeke laughed bitterly.
"You are shocked? Well, that's it, Connor! You don't want to hear this, right? This doesn't fit into your little, undamaged world! Believe me, you can change nothing with damned talking!"
Casey swallowed. No, he rather didn't want to hear this! It sounded all too awful. But Zeke had to talk about it, he felt this. He had to get rid of his rage, of his desperation - or he would break down at it.
"Tell me," he whispered.
Zeke stared at him.
"You must be crazy, Connor!"
"Just try it! I'm gonna listen to you! I'm a good listener!"
Zeke shook the head.
"You really wanna hear this shit? I failed her! She's needed me - and I was not ready to do anything for her! I turned a blind eye on her ... because it was so much easier to do!"
When Casey said nothing, he sighed.
"Well ... It started as my Mom got to know my Dad. My Mom comes from a rich family. My Dad ... he was only a little mechanic, he had nothing, no money, no name .... Romantic shit: rich girl - poor guy ... but they were really in love! They married and they had a baby - me! And we were a little, happy family, only the three of us ... Sounds quite like an overused cliche, didn't it? Sometimes I can barely remember, but it's true. We were a happy, little family ...
Until my Dad died. It was a stupid car accident. It wasn't yet his fault. Some fucking, drunken dude forced him off the road. My mom could never cope with it. She was always a bit unstable. My dad always had to have an eye on her. And now she was alone, alone with me. I was a lonely, despaired boy, who had just lost his beloved dad. I started bitching around! I always was up to my neck in problems. It was not easy for her. But she tried it - she tried it for me. It lasted a few years. But finally she broke down.The doctor informed her family ...
... and she got back into the fold to California. She was admitted to a clinic - an exclusive private clinic, of course. They said, she needs it to recover! In truth they locked her away, because she was too embarrassing for them ... and I ... I have done nothing, as ever!"
Zeke kept quiet.
"You were nearly a child, Zeke! What could you have done?"
"I was almost seventeen!"
"You were just seventeen! Who has cared about you?"
"Cared about me? Casey, wake up! I was the undesirable result of an undesirable relationship! They've cared about my Mom because she was a Thunderfeld, because she was part of this fucking family. It would have been all too embarrassing for them, if she would end up in a public hospital. But I'm just a Tyler, a fucking bastard ... I don't belong to them!
Okay, my grandmother has got my guardianship! Wanna know, how much she cares about me? Once a month she send me a check! For this she expects that I don't bother her! No problem! They don't want me - I don't want them!
I had to cope with all alone! Well, I was used to it! I was alone a long time before. My mom was ill. Sometimes she couldn't drag herself out of the bed for a week. And nobody of her fucking family cared about her - until it was too late! I hate them for all they did to my Mom ... and I hate me, because I've done nothing for her, too."
Casey didn't know exactly how it had happened. At the next moment he sat beside Zeke onto the couch and put his arm around his shoulder - and Zeke let it happen.
"It's not your fault! You couldn't help her, Zeke! She needed professional help!"
"You don't understand, Casey, " murmured Zeke.
"It's not as simple as it seems to be! I was glad that they have locked her up! I was glad about her breakdown! I couldn't bear her any longer, do you get this? My mom was ill, she needed help and I couldn't even bear her presence! We fought, every day! She cried, every night! And I didn't want to deal with all this shit any longer ...
The day they've taken her to the clinic ... wanna know, what I've done? I invited my friends and we have had a party. I felt so happy. I felt so free.
This is nearly two years ago! I've never try to visit her! I've just forgotten her! She was my mom, Case! And I left her alone! So, it's my fault, isn't it? If I had visited her only once ... if I had shown her, that there is someone who really cared about her ... maybe she wouldn't have done it ... "
Casey didn't know what he should do or say. Probably it hadn't been right, what Zeke had done, but he couldn't doom him. His Mom obviously had been very ill - and her suicide was only the end of a long suffering history. Zeke had been nearly a child. It was way too much for him. He needed help, too and instead of this he had to cope with all alone. Alone ... Alone ...
This thought was nearly maddening him. He was seventeen years old, too, like Zeke had been two years ago. His life was not a bed of roses. He had to deal with a lot shit, too. But he knew: His parents would always be there for him, no matter what happened. They loved him. They cared for him. He needed them. He couldn't image his life without them.
"Wanna hear something funny," Zeke said.
"I haven't seen her for nearly two years. I've repressed all memories of her. I just wanted to live my life! And now .. I know, she is dead! I know, I will never ever see her again! And I miss her! I wish, she would come through this door, she would take me into her arms, she would say: "Love you, Zekie-Baby" .. like she did when I was a child! I'm so scared, Case .. so fucking scared to be alone!"
Then the sky was falling down. Suddenly he felt Zeke's arms around him and lips squeezed on his. It was a desperate, violent kiss.... Casey was frightened to death. He tried to detach from the embrace. But Zeke held him even steadier.
"Please, Casey, please," he whispered.
Only for a moment Casey let it go. Then his sanity prevailed. Only desperation and loneliness let Zeke act like this. He had to stop it now, or both of them would regret it soon! Gently he backed away.
"Don't go! Please, don't leave me alone!"
Casey continued holding him into his arms. He stroked his back slightly.
"Shshsh! I'm here! I'm not gonna leave you!"
He felt him trembling, sobbing without a sound. He nearly wished, Zeke would start to cry out loud. This would be easier to bear. But he just could hold him, stroke him, whisper comforting words. Slowly Zeke relaxed. His breath calmed down and finally he dozed off.
When Zeke opened his eyes, he didn't know where he was in this very first moment. Then it struck to him, that he lay onto his couch in the living room. Outside it was just getting light. Obviously he had slept for hours. Laboriously he stood up. He felt a bit stiffly but not as floppy and despondent like the last days. The sleep had been good for him.
Suddenly he winked. What was this?
Two armchairs were pushed together - and onto them lay, curled up ... Casey Connor? Zeke remembered the day before. Casey were coming to look after him ... they had talked ... or better said, he had told a lot of shit and Casey had listened to him. However, what had happened then? Had Casey really held him into his arms? Why had he slept here onto the couch? And why was Casey still here? There was more ... a kiss ... a kiss? Zeke groaned. Jesus! What the hell had he done?
Finally he couldn't keep quite any longer.
"Casey? What are you doing here?"
He was awake immediately. He didn't seem to wonder where he was and what he did here. But his slightly smile was a bit unsure.
"Hey! How do you feel?"
"What the fuck are you doing here," asked Zeke once again instead of answering the question.
"You don't wanted to be alone. So I decided to stay!"
It sounded so naturally - but it wasn't. Zeke swallowed.
"You stay here the whole night?"
"Yeah! It seemed to be needful. I guessed you could wake up and need someone to talk!"
Zeke pulled a face. It felt as if he had talked enough yesterday - a lot too much.
"All I need is a hot shower and then a cigarette," he grunted.
"Sounds sense! You can go and take a shower ... I'm gonna make breakfast!"
Before Zeke could protest, he was already disappeared in direction of the kitchen. He seemed to feel like home... But Zeke didn't want to think about it now. Just shower - cigarette - and then ...
Half an hour later he entered the kitchen. Casey was still sitting at the table, a mug of coffee in front of him. He smiled.
"You look better! Breakfast? It's not that much, but better than nothing! Toast and scrumpled eggs. And coffee. But you have to drink it black, there is no milk, sorry!"
Zeke sat down beside him and looked around. Something was changed! He needed a moment to realize.
"What have you done?"
"Shut up, Case! You know, what I mean! The kitchen was a real mess - and now ..."
Zeke looked a bit annoyed. Casey swallowed.
"Well ... it was high time to clear up a little bit. There was nothing else for me to do yesterday. But don't worry! I didn't pry around. Just washing the dishes, taking the trash out ... shit like this."
Zeke stared at him over the rim of his mug.
"You are really weird, Connor! Why do you do all that? What the fuck are you still doing here?"
"You need me!"
Was the answer really as simple?
He had enclosed himself for days into the house. He had hardly eaten, hardly slept, had depleted his stock of beer and had tormented himself with fucking memories. Casey had been able to jolt him. He didn't want to admit it, but it was true: It had felt good not to be alone. To talk with him. To hug him. Although ... the thought of the kiss worried him. It was ... of course, it was just desperation, the desire for nearness ...
..., but there was Casey. What did he think about it? Zeke cleared his throat.
"Casey, yesterday ... it was ... "
"It's okay, Zeke. Nothing has happened! You just were lonesome," Casey interrupted him.
" I know, how it feels to be lonesome.To have no friends!"
"Maybe you are lonesome," said Zeke.
"I have a lot of friends!"
"Really? I don't talk about guys for the next party, Zeke! Or about a girl for the next night! I talk about someone who cares about you. Who is ready to listen to you and to hold you if you need it. A true-blue friend, Zeke!"
For the first time for days Zeke had to smile..
"And you would like to be ... this friend?"
Casey swallowed. To be honest, he hadn't thought about it yet. But it sounded good.
"Why not? If you let me to be!"
Go to the next Part: "Easterdinner 1"